Wow. The Onion is quickly becoming my favorite news source.
CORNISH, NH—In this big dramatic production that didn’t do anyone any good (and was pretty embarrassing, really, if you think about it), thousands upon thousands of phonies across the country mourned the death of author J.D. Salinger, who was 91 years old for crying out loud. “He had a real impact on the literary world and on millions of readers,” said hot-shot English professor David Clarke, who is just like the rest of them, and even works at one of those crumby schools that rich people send their kids to so they don’t have to look at them for four years. “There will never be another voice like his.” Which is exactly the lousy kind of goddamn thing that people say, because really it could mean lots of things, or nothing at all even, and it’s just a perfect example of why you should never tell anybody anything.
The house (what we were calling “the Farmhouse”) that Rocky and I were hoping to buy fell through. We were hoping to get it for really cheap, since there didn’t seem to be any kind of urgency to the sale. Anyway, our realtor looked into it and it looks like there were other bids that were rejected by the bank, and in the end there was an auction and the bank (? unclear) bought it. Either they weren’t getting the bids they wanted, or they have plans for it themselves, or something, but it’s pretty strange. Anyway, it’s a bummer—we really liked that house. We continue the search.
Maple-Balsamic-Glazed Pork Medallions Cooking Light December 2007
This is crazy easy, relatively cheap, and fantastically delicious. Serve with mashed potatoes or rice.
¼ cup maple syrup 3 tablespoons balsamic vinegar 2 teaspoons Dijon mustard 1 (1-pound) pork tenderloin, trimmed 2 teaspoons olive oil ½ teaspoon salt ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Combine syrup and vinegar in a small saucepan; bring to a boil. Cook until reduced to 1/3 cup (about 3 minutes), stirring occasionally. Remove from heat; stir in mustard.
Cut pork crosswise into 8 pieces. Place each pork piece between 2 sheets of heavy-duty plastic wrap; pound to 1/4-inch thickness using a meat mallet or small heavy skillet. Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Sprinkle pork evenly with salt and pepper. Add pork to pan; cook 3 minutes on each side. Add vinegar mixture; cook 1 minute or until desired degree of doneness, turning pork to coat. Place 2 pork medallions on each of 4 plates; drizzle about 1 tablespoon syrup mixture over each serving.
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
The Onion is usually just incredibly funny, but this is some incisive social/political satire right here.
"Of course, there have been rumors in the past about a long-forgotten Caribbean nation whose people struggle every day to survive, live in constant fear of a corrupt government, and endure such squalor and hunger that they have resorted to eating dirt. But never did we give them much thought."
Added Oliver, “Had it not been for this earthquake, I doubt we would have ever noticed Haiti at all.”
Shutter (2004) - Great Thai horror film. Four stars. Netflix
Bitch Slap (2009) - A real Roger Corman-style exploitation flick, though I guess it’s kind of tongue-in-cheek. Funny in places just because of the over-the-top violence and slow panning up sweaty, dirty cleavage (impromptu water fight, anyone?). It was fun, but tried a little too hard, I think. The fight scenes just went on and on and on, and it was trying to be all clever with plot twists and jumping back and forth in time. Three stars, two of which are for boobs. Starz FilmCenter
Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) - a short-lived TV series that I’d read was really innovative and good, and finally got to see on DVD. It really was incredibly funny. Bummer that Fox cancelled after 19 episodes (like Fox did with The Tick, Firefly, and other ”edgy” shows). Anyway, great fun, and you should watch it. Five stars. (DVD set from Denver Public Library)
Flight of the Conchords (2007-2009) - This is hilarious. I realize we’re coming to the FoTC bandwagon late, but these are fantastic. Five stars. (Netflix)