April 2010
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"Lost Zone"
lost zone (n.): An area of a city that is bewilderingly hard to navigate, no matter how many times you’ve been there.
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Old Joke
A guy and a girl are in the backseat of his car having sex. The guy says to the girl, “If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time.”
The girl replies, “Hell, if I had known you had more time, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”
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Changes in My Tumblr
So I’ve set my Tumblr so that when there’s a picture and you click on it, it should show the full-size picture that was uploaded. It will be a nice feature for some of the artwork and photographs.
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Poison-Prevention Tips
Poison always comes in amber-colored bottles clearly marked with a skull-and-crossbones icon and the word “DANGER.” If a substance is not in this type of bottle, it is safe to drink or huff.
For lower-body snakebites, suck the poison out through the victim’s penis. Spit out the deadly, milky-white venom and repeat as necessary.
Most household cleansers are harmful or fatal if swallowed. Learn...
Spiderman Alternatives
You know the story. Peter Parker, nerdboy, is bitten by a radioactive spider, blah blah speed and agility blah blah Aunt May blah blah.
But what, we ask ourselves, if some other animal had somehow made its way into that fateful science experiment, become radioactive, and gave old Pete a love nip?
Elephant Has the proportional strength and speed of an elephant. Unfortunately this leaves him...
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Best Piece of Wisdom
“When life gives you crap, make crapenade.”
—Randy Quaid as Mike Grubb on The Grubbs
Princess Freed from Evil Associate's Curse
“So, I guess, if you are this guy, just because you are engaged to a beautiful Swedish princess doesn’t mean you have to be nice to her, because when she dumps you, you can always go back to being an associate in a law firm.
“Nice work, dumbass.”
Link: MSNBC; via Lowering the Bar.net
Bon Voyage Under the Sea -
Deichkind - Bon...
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One Last Joke
A man went to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor told him, “Listen, you’ve got to stop masturbating.”
“Why, Doc?” the man asked. “Am I going blind?”
“No,” said the optometrist. “But you’re upsetting my other patients.”
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Another Really Old Joke
A boy came home from school one day and said to his mom, “Guess what happened to me in school today. I had sex with my teacher!” His mom became very upset and screamed, “Go to your room! We’ll tell your father what you did when he gets home!”
When his father came home, the boy told him. “Way to go, son,” the father replied. “Let’s go buy you a...
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Really Old Joke
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it when she cried out, “Fujifoo, fujifoo!” which the guy took to be an exclamation of pleasure.
The next day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and got a hole in one. Wanting to impress them, he yelled, “Fujifoo!”
The Japanese businessmen looked confused and said, “No, you got...
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Movies
Jabberwocky (1977) - Terry Gilliam directing Michael Palin…you’d think that two members of the troupe that defined 1970’s comedy would have come up with something better than this. It tried to be funny, but there were just a few laughs. It was more memorable for portraying what was probably a realistic picture of medieval life. Two stars. [Netflix]
The Gumball Rally (1976) - I...
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How to Annoy a Supermodel
Ask her, “Did you knit that yourself?”
Esquire Rule No. 675
European comedies, in descending order of funniness: English, French, Icelandic, German.
Esquire Rule No. 495
If you are a movie character in a hurry and you are driving through a rural area, you will run into a herd of sheep crossing the road.
