You know the story. Peter Parker, nerdboy, is bitten by a radioactive spider, blah blah speed and agility blah blah Aunt May blah blah.
But what, we ask ourselves, if some other animal had somehow made its way into that fateful science experiment, become radioactive, and gave old Pete a love nip?
Elephant Has the proportional strength and speed of an elephant. Unfortunately this leaves him weak, feeble, and barely able to move.
Lungfish Gains the power to breathe air, which is obviously not that impressive, and also the ability to sleep for long periods of time when thirsty.
Planarian Does whatever a planarian can, which is pretty much limited to eating tubifex worms and absorbing the memories of other planarian-based superheroes, if such existed.
Sea Lion Gains “Sea Lion Sense,” which is just the ability to detect female sea lions in heat. While marginally helpful to marine biologists, this does not make for great superheroics.
Panda Able to eat only bamboo shoots, which strikes fear into the hearts of evil bamboo shoots everywhere.
Ferret Blinding speed and sharp teeth make him a reasonably effective crimefighter, but being banned in California and Hawaii makes it difficult to pursue fugitive supervillains.
Lemur Gains great strength and agility, as well as the ability to cling to reasonably knobbly surfaces. However, after rejecting the names “Lemur-Man,” “The Amazing Lemur,” and “Judge Lemur,” decides just to go into banking instead.
"So, I guess, if you are this guy, just because you are engaged to a beautiful Swedish princess doesn’t mean you have to be nice to her, because when she dumps you, you can always go back to being an associate in a law firm.
A boy came home from school one day and said to his mom, “Guess what happened to me in school today. I had sex with my teacher!” His mom became very upset and screamed, “Go to your room! We’ll tell your father what you did when he gets home!”
When his father came home, the boy told him. “Way to go, son,” the father replied. “Let’s go buy you a new bicycle.”
When they came out of the shop with a brand-new bike, the father asked, “Do you want to ride it home?”
Jabberwocky (1977) - Terry Gilliam directing Michael Palin…you’d think that two members of the troupe that defined 1970’s comedy would have come up with something better than this. It tried to be funny, but there were just a few laughs. It was more memorable for portraying what was probably a realistic picture of medieval life. Two stars. [Netflix]
The Gumball Rally (1976) - I was interested in seeing this and the Cannonball Run movies after reading the book The Driver, about a guy whose dream was to clock the best East-Coast-to-West-Coast time (he ended up doing it in 31 hours and three minutes, New York to San Francisco). There actually was an official coast-to-coast race that this movie and the others were based on. It was a cute movie, a little funny. I’ll be curious to compare it to Cannonball Run and Rat Race. Three stars. [Netflix]
The Ruins (2008) - I’d heard somewhere that this was good, but it was disappointing. Two stars. [DPL]